


Drifting

by SoftSpokenSpectre



Category: BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: Adults, Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Break Up, Character Study, College, Crushes, Crying, Depression, Developing Relationship, F/F, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Graduation, Growing Up, High School, Mental Health Issues, Multiple Pairings, Multiple Relationships, Music, Post-Break Up, Post-Canon, Post-Kanon, Relationship(s), Romance, Sad, Time Skips
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-22
Updated: 2019-10-09
Packaged: 2019-10-14 12:17:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17508476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoftSpokenSpectre/pseuds/SoftSpokenSpectre
Summary: What happens when you become an adult, and the happy stability from the people you love that felt like it would last forever begins to crumble away? When you realize there's something painful lingering in you? Misaki Okusawa is lost in a forest, the paths she was sure of leading nowhere. The scenery is nothing like what she expected. She doesn't know when she'll find her way. But she's trying.





	1. 18: Graduation

**Author's Note:**

> This is a misakanon story at heart but it's a really winding one.
> 
> It's been a long time since I've written and I'm gonna be experimenting the whole way through. This is pretty new for me and I hope you all like it.

 

Misaki Okusawa found herself alone in an orderly sea of people. Despite being surrounded by the two hundred something students she graduated with, she felt alone in her high school's gymnasium.

_Is she here?_

A student she couldn't remember the name of gave a speech that washed over her in dull waves of indistinct sound and feedback. Despite the somewhat cool temperature, she was sweating a little.

_Why wouldn't she be here doofus? She'd wanna see her friends more than she..._

She didn't finish the thought. She wanted to avoid making herself look any more uncomfortable than she already did.

_God I hope this girl doesn't have everyone face the audience like last year's student speaker._

Misaki spent much of the ceremony “subtly” stretching so she could glance at the people seated in the back of the gym, quickly scanning through the blur of a crowd, too nervous to look back to the same spot if she saw the faintest flash of cyan. She was shaking a little. When her name was called out a half hour before it took everything she had to reply without looking like the big weird idiot that she felt that she was coming off as. At this point she was barely keeping it together. Her skin seemed pale, her typically neatly kept brown hair was visibly ruffled. Someone to her left kept lightly pinching her side but she barely acknowledged it.

This wasn't how she expected her high school graduation to go. A smudge of faces and sounds. A heart that seemed desperate to escape a slightly too small container. A lone girl, sitting inside what felt like the most isolated room in the world, existing outside of it. A single thought repeating through her head.

_Where is she?_

She didn't hear the teachers' instruction to stand, and the mass of people around her suddenly rising briefly snapped her out of her own thoughts.

_Oh holy crap it's time to go? Oh my god._

The faded crowd slowly spilled out, row by row, class by class. Misaki felt another pinch on her side. Still gentle, but a little more insistent. Before she could manage to refocus her thoughts on this interloping feeling it was time for her class to start moving. The doors that led from the gym seemed like the gates out of an extra-dimensional space, a portal back to relative normalcy. A thousand miles away. A thousand years away. She'd given up on her search. If Misaki saw her now she'd never make it out.

Sharp sounds cracked from the stands above the exit. A group of excited alumni she recognized as two years her senior were firing off party poppers, showering the exiting third years in confetti and streamers. Misaki absentmindedly watched the glistening paper float from above.

_Didn't the school ban these? Or did they ever come to a clear decision? Seems like a big deal over nothing but I guess cleaning it is..._

_Oh._

Misaki saw her through a flurry of confetti. It could only be her. Her small, warm smile. Her soft hair, blue as the sky on a calm winter afternoon. Her lavender eyes, which for the briefest moment locked with Misaki's. And for a fraction of a second, imperceptible to anyone who hadn't spent nearly every day with her, Kanon's expression filled with a devastating sadness.

 

Graduation: 17

It's not the look you really wanna see when you see your girlfriend walking towards your meeting spot. I'd say I'm a decently composed person, but it's hard not to have this or that worry running through the back of your head when you're asked to wait somewhere to have a private talk. Kokoro and Hagumi hung around for awhile and we said our goodbyes to the third years but honestly didn't fret too much. I mean, it's sad to know you'll be seeing some friends less from now on, but there's always time to see each other at the studio or meet up around town. But for the past fifteen or so minutes, I had plenty of alone time to let little concerns run through my head. All of my friends had headed home, and the gentle, cozy courtyard of Hanajo gradually fell silent.

I leaned against the sunny side of the still budding cherry blossom, watching Kanon approaching with an expression that carried more anxiety than usual, and that tiny flash of pain in her eyes. Which fear was she about to confirm? She's quitting the band entirely for the sake of her studies? Or maybe she's worried about how our relationship will go now that we get less time together.

She smiled weakly as she came to a stop in front of me.

_Too far to give the embrace I've been looking forward to all day._

“Hi Misaki,” Kanon said, her sweetly gentle voice shaking softly, her gaze flitting to seemingly everything but me.

_Too far to reach for her hand without feeling awkward._

“Hey Kanon,” I replied. A horrible pressure started spreading through my chest.

_I know what's about to happen._

A brief moment of silence.

“What's up?” I asked.

_Why now._

“Um...” Her eyes settled on the grass at her feet. Her small hands nervously clasped and unclasped over and over again. Over and over again. Conjuring more and more of the wretched force spreading through my entire body. I was desperate for them to stop.

_Why NOW?_

Her hands joined again, and she clenched them together as she took a deep breath. She finally looked straight into my eyes. She was fighting back tears.

_Please d-_

“I don't think I can do this anymore.”

 

The feeling inside me

  


burst

 

  


  
  


into a hole

 

  
  


  
  


that swallowed the universe.

 

 

 

 

 

“Why?” There was less emotion in my voice than I was prepared for. It felt like I had forgotten the very concept of emotion.

A silence

“Why?” I asked again, my voice suddenly trembling.

a silence

Kanon breathed deep a second time. She quietly rubbed her eyes with both hands. Puffy. Red. Wet.

“I don't think we can work outside of here,” she finally said. Her voice was firmer now, but somehow even softer at the same time. “We-”

“I think we can!” I said, louder and more desperately than I really meant to. “Of course we can.” My hand was suddenly clutching my chest.

“You know that's not true Misaki.”

The cool breeze felt like ice on my skin. I knew. Of course I knew.

“I don't.” Desperately clinging. “Maybe it can seem that way sometimes but-”

“I'm sorry.” Her voice was shaking again. “I hope we can be friends again, sometime.” Her battle against her tears was turning against her. I'd been mercilessly defeated by mine.

“Is that what you really want?” Again, louder than I wanted, but no one ever said I cried gracefully.

“I'm sorry Misaki.” She turned away from me.

“Kanon wait.”

A hesitation. And then a step forward. And then a step forward. And then a step forward.

_I should go after her. You don't just let this happen when you're in love right?_

She was getting farther away.

_Maybe if you're an asshole._

It wasn't long before she approached Hanajo's gate. A gate to a new part of her life. One without me in it.

I shouted the words almost reflexively. Defensively. Without even really meaning to. I didn't like making scenes.

“I love you Kanon!”

My voice echoed throughout the courtyard.

Desperately Clinging

A hesitation.

A step forward.

She exited.

I saw Kanon's longtime friend Chisato greet her. Put her hand on her shoulder. Began leading her away from the school, quickly turning out of view.

Kanon left me.

 

 

Misaki passed through the doors out of the gymnasium and breathed in as if it was the first breath she had taken in an hour. The excited chatter of her classmates rushed in to fill the air around her. Everyone meandered in the halls for a little bit on the way back to their homerooms.

She felt awful. She felt sick. She felt...a poke to her lower back? She turned to find herself met by the concerned gaze of Kokoro, her bright sunbeam of a best friend. Even when she wasn't at full speed her eyes were filled with energy.

_Kokoro shouldn't have been right behind me in the class. When did she get there?_

“I'm surprised it took you this long to notice!” Kokoro said. Misaki visibly relaxed a bit. Kokoro's casual cheerfulness was effective even in the hardest times. A warm, but concerned smile spread across her face. “Are you okay?”

Misaki did her best to take in some of her friend's energy and smiled back.

“Yeah, I'm okay.”


	2. 19: Caramel Hearts

Misaki Okusawa basked in the faint warmth of the vending machine’s light, its soft hum harmonizing with the crickets from the small nearby park. A pleasant fall night. She lazily scanned the selection of drinks available, entranced by the sweet, comforting atmosphere of the night. She scanned the small card in her hand on the machine's reader and it chirped back in response, awaiting her choice. Warm café au lait.

“Hmm, what would Kokoro like?” Misaki asked herself quietly. The dispenser whirred and opened, and she grabbed her bottled coffee. “She'd be happy with anything but...” She trailed off as her gaze drifted to a small round red bottle. A hot caramel apple drink.

_Sure._

 

Kokoro was sitting on a wooden park bench gazing dreamily out into the park's pond when Misaki approaching caught her attention. They locked eyes and Kokoro smiled brightly. No matter when or where, Misaki always felt the warmth of summer through that smile.

“Welcome back Misaki!”

Misaki's heart fluttered a moment and her usual straight-laced front faded briefly. Something about Kokoro's bright voice filled her with comfort and she looked so soft and warm in her fluffy tan coat.

“Th-thanks.” She couldn't hide her blush with a drink in each hand. It occurred to her that her jacket pockets could have held the drinks easily. “I hope you like what I got you.” She handed Kokoro the small bottle who received it excitedly. She turned it and spun it a few times in her hands, enjoying the warmth while also investigating her new treat.

“Ohhh! This looks so tasty!” Her eyes brightened and darted to Misaki's. “Thank you so much!” Kokoro quickly twisted the cap open.

“It's no problem at all.” Misaki sat down close to Kokoro while opening her coffee. She watched as she brought the cute red bottle to her lips. Soft and warm. Delicately touching the mouth of the bottle. Misaki took everything in. Savoring the sight as if it were a painting, the colorful leaves of the trees behind her subject, the stars peeking through.

_Girls turn me into such a sap..._

Misaki took a sip of her own drink and slid even closer to Kokoro, putting her free arm around her. Kokoro made a small contented noise into her bottle.

“Whoa, this is really good Misaki!” Kokoro said. She leaned into Misaki, briefly nuzzling the side of her face with the top of her head.

“Heh, yeah?” Misaki pecked her girlfriend's _(??????)_ crown in response. Her skin tingled a little and her heart started beating hard. She still wasn't used to this.

“Mmhmm! It tastes just like a real caramel apple!” Kokoro tilted her head up to smile at Misaki, flustering her even more. Misaki's face quickly flushed red and she turned to look back out at the pond while Kokoro resumed leaning softly into her. The calm water seemed to perfectly reflect the night sky above it; an endlessly deep sea of stars both above and below. These moments of peace felt fewer and farther between in recent months.

_I could stay like this forever, probably._

In the back of Misaki's mind she knew this couldn't be forever. Her relationship with Kokoro was always a little strange, but never as much as in this moment. A careless moment led to a romance with a time limit. It wouldn't be much longer until they-

Kokoro planted a kiss onto Misaki's cheek, letting it linger for a moment. Her lips were warm from her drink, and it felt like she was magically spreading that warmth through Misaki's cheeks. In reality she was just blushing incredibly hard. She had a shaky death grip on her bottle of coffee and seemed to be locked into staring out into the pond now. She felt Kokoro move closer once again.

“Misaki,” she said gently into her ear.

“YAHHH!” Misaki yelled and jerked away slightly, pulling Kokoro even more tightly into her chest as a result. She finally looked back down into Kokoro's eyes, completely unable to mask her embarrassment. “Wh-what's up Kokoro?”

Kokoro giggled. She'd gotten better at knowing Misaki's buttons and more willing to press them on purpose.

_How did my girlfriend(????????????????????) get so evil?_

“I just wanted to ask if you liked your café au lait!” Their faces were inches apart. Kokoro had a wide smile on her face while Misaki struggled to maintain eye contact.

“Oh um,” she replied shakily. “It's pretty good. A little more bitter than what I'd usually get though.”

“I'm glad you like it,” she said, more gently. She only ever took that tone around Misaki, and it never failed to make her heart race. She felt a tug at her hand as Kokoro gently pulled the bottle away from her and placed both to her side. “There!” she said, wearing a satisfied grin. “Now we can hold hands.”

“Wh-” but she wasn't able to get herself to speak. Kokoro slid her far hand into Misaki's.

_a!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

It wasn't that Misaki was shy about holding hands or affection, but the mood of the night, Kokoro's soft closeness, and the way she was doing her best to completely disarm her was making her completely melt.

“Jeez Kokoro, what's got you so romantic tonight?”

“Hm? Isn't this what you wanted?” Kokoro tilted her head and smiled playfully.

“W-well yeah, but...” Misaki looked into Kokoro's sunny eyes. Kokoro was always filled to the brim with love, and it was easy for Misaki to worry that this was just the same love she'd show anyone else. But seeing her like this, she felt an extra depth to that feeling. A Kokoro reserved exclusively for special occasions. “I'm...not really used to it.”

The few dates they had gone on already might as well have been normal hangouts but without Hagumi and Kaoru. Misaki suggested a more intimate outing but wasn't prepared for Kokoro to be leading things so confidently.

“Me neither,” she quietly replied. Kokoro gently rested her head on Misaki's shoulder. A few locks of her long, blonde hair fell to where their hands met. Misaki's heart fluttered at the softness brushing against her skin. “I was kinda worried that you weren't interested in that. I didn't know if that's what you wanted, y'know?”

_What I wanted..._

Misaki made a little sigh as she laid her head against the top of Kokoro's. “I guess I'm still kinda bad at this whole dating thing.” She chuckled lightly.

Kokoro nuzzled her face again. “It's okay! I'm glad for today!” She closed her eyes. “It's been a lot of fun having a real date with you.”

Misaki squeezed her hand and kissed her head again. They sat silently together; Kokoro peacefully resting against Misaki; Misaki gazing out into the night, a slightly anxious look on her face. She also closed her eyes, letting herself be calmed by the chorus of crickets and frogs. The edge of the water lapping against ground below added a gentle percussive backing. It had been almost two years since she last performed with her band, but the music never left her head.

_What I want..._

Misaki focused on the sound of Kokoro's soft breathing. Every so often she made a small, happy noise. Misaki wondered if she had fallen asleep.

“Kokoro?” Misaki said, squeezing her hand again.

“Hmmm?” Kokoro replied dreamily.

Misaki paused for a moment, caught off guard. She raised her head, and the two of them looked into each other's eyes again. Kokoro blushed a little, her eyes twinkling in the light of the stars, while Misaki looked increasingly nervous. She took a deep breath.

“What's up Misaki?” Kokoro looked a little concerned.

Misaki let go of Kokoro's hand and placed it gingerly on her face. Kokoro let out a gasp and began to blush, though not nearly as hard as Misaki was. Misaki stroked her cheek briefly before sliding back to the hair on the back of her neck, gently pulling her in while leaning in to meet her lips. Kokoro slowly closed her eyes as hers touched Misaki's.

Soft and warm and sweet.

Misaki felt her inhale sharply. She looked at Kokoro through half-lidded eyes, watching as her arms moved to drape around her neck and shoulders. Misaki closed her eyes and subtly leaned into the kiss. She caressed the back of Kokoro's neck and Kokoro responded with a shiver and a surprised squeak. They pressed their bodies close together and slowly parted their lips. They opened their eyes slightly and sighed a little. Misaki could feel the warmth from Kokoro's skin, the warmth of her sweetly scented breath, the warmth of her body and her hands.

“Kokoro,” Misaki started shakily. Kokoro smiled with an entranced happiness.

Before Misaki could stammer out anything else, Kokoro leaned back in and kissed her again. She parted her arms and moved a hand to Misaki's cheek, tenderly drawing circles with her thumb. Their lips interlocked and slid together softly. Kokoro's hand was trembling as her thumb moved closer and closer to Misaki's lips. Misaki's heart felt like it was going to burst from her chest, and she was able to feel Kokoro's racing even through the cozy layers of their clothing. They separated again with a light, sweetly intoxicating sound. Kokoro held Misaki's chin in her hands, slowly tracing her lips with her thumb.

“I don't know what's gotten into me,” she said with a smile, absentmindedly staring at Misaki's slightly parted lips. “I hope this is okay.” Her eyes looked up briefly at Misaki's before darting to the side as her cheeks flushed red. Her eyes glistened with moisture, but not from sadness.

Misaki was taken aback at seeing Kokoro look so reserved. She ran her hand through Kokoro's hair, savoring how soft and smooth it felt. “Of course it is,” she replied with a coo. Seeing her like this made Misaki loosen up a little. She couldn't help but feel a little protective.

“I haven't ever really thought about stuff like this before. I didn't know it could make me so...”

“Yeah.”

Kokoro stroked Misaki's bottom lip. Misaki parted them in response and leaned closer.

“...happy.”

“Yeah...”

 

They kissed once more. Deeply but sweetly. Lovely sighs. Loving caresses. Tightly clinging.

 

_I don't know what I want._

 

Misaki tasted caramel apple on her tongue.

 

_This won't be forever._

 

Their hands interlaced snugly.

 

 _But I can feel okay with this_.

 

Misaki and Kokoro were enveloped in an endless sea of stars and a quiet song of nature.

 

_For the moment._


	3. 19: Growth

There’s a dense black mass where your heart should be. 

Or maybe your heart’s still there, completely swallowed up by it.

Either way, there’s something there that shouldn’t be. Should it?

Now that you’re thinking of it, you seem to recall feeling this for as long as you can remember.

You never thought to describe it, or pay it any mind.

Maybe you felt it get bigger a couple years ago.

But you just figured you were sad from the breakup.

It’s been there all along, growing and shrinking.

Under the cover of your happiness and sadness.

And now there’s nothing that can hide it.

Some people noticed you struggling. 

Maybe more than they were used to.

But everyone struggles right?

Everyone gets sad.

You think about that for a moment.

It’s like most people’s sadness gets filtered through their hearts.

It’s painful for awhile, but it eventually passes through.

The heart takes what it can from that sadness and strengthens.

But it always sticks with you.

It falls into that mass and stays there, feeding it.

You think it’s probably kind of soft.

It’s thick but a little squishy.

You could cut into it with a scalpel.

Trying to remove it bit by bit.

It just grows right back.

And the center of it is rock solid.

You can do things here and there to make it smaller.

But it seems to be mostly out of your control.

The things that happen to you have the most effect.

When the breakup happened.

When everyone went to different universities.

When you found out she was going overseas.

Even when nothing happens it can suddenly grow.

No control.

How long has it been since you said goodbye at the airport?

How much have you gone outside?

How much have you eaten?

Do you remember when the next semester starts?

You really don’t want to think about it.

You barely made it through the past year.

You don’t know how you’ll make it through the next.

It’s grown so much.

You wonder if anyone else has this.

An alien presence living inside you.

You were never able to talk about it.

It’s too scary to.

No one would understand it.

Or they’d be disappointed.

You did a lot of growing back then.

You couldn’t let anyone see you were still struggling.

That’s not how it’s supposed to go..

The you of now is supposed to be stronger than the you of yesterday.

But you’re not.

 

Misaki Okusawa lay on the floor of her small apartment, clinging tightly to a pillow, staring at nothing in particular. The gentle music of a video game console’s home screen played from the speakers of her small TV. The screen’s soft glow was the only light since the sun went down. She’s not sure when she stopped playing. She felt too overwhelmed to do anything. There were dishes to do and trash to take out but she couldn’t even muster the energy to play a cute puzzle game. Or climb into her bed. The floor wasn’t so bad.

Every so often she grabbed her phone and fiddled idly with it. Glanced at the news. Opened and closed a game. Looked at texts she knew she shouldn’t. She’d deny it if asked but she hoped to see a message notification from anyone. It was 2 AM.

_ Kokoro should be up, maybe she’ll message soon. She gets so distracted and busy though. Maybe I should send her something. I don’t want to bother her though. If she hasn’t messaged me she probably doesn’t want to talk to me. _

Again, 2 AM.

_ Maybe Kanon’s up too. Maybe she can’t sleep either and wants to reconnect? That makes sense. _

Suddenly a notification dropped down from the top of her phone screen. Misaki’s heart lit up more than it had in what felt like a long time. And then her brow furrowed deeply.

_ Moca??? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still truckin, despite life's best efforts.


	4. 19: Distance

### 16

Kanon’s sky blue hair bobbed softly as she giggled sheepishly. A day’s planning at Circle was closed with a coffee trip. She sat a couple tables over at the cafe with Chisato, who was doing her best to hold her polite smile as her impatience with Kaoru’s dramatic flirting rose rapidly. She softly raised her hand to her cheek; her fingernails were well kept, gentle, like they were made of porcelain. 

_How would it feel to hold her hand? Probably soothing, warm, delicate. Something like that. Silky._

A fluttering came.

Kanon looked up as Kaoru tried to send a few flirts her way, tilting her head slightly as she pretended to not pick up on Kaoru’s very loud and brightly colored signals. She must have learned this from Chisato but was somehow better at it despite usual her nervous disposition. It was hard to pick up on what was being said. It felt like everything outside of Kanon was faded. Her hair shifted and a few locks drifted from behind her shoulders.

_Aaahhhh I wanna touch her hair… Is that a weird thing to think? Am I weird for thinking that? No, right?_

Kaoru, evidently satisfied, finally began walking away, and Chisato visibly relaxed. She shot Kanon a look of clear exasperation, and Kanon returned a slight smile and kind words to help her friend recover from Kaoru’s nonsense. She giggled again. 

_I wish I could feel this warmth all the time… I wish she would smile at me with that sense of comfort every day, the way she does with Chisato. If we’re like the parents in Hello Happy World then…_

A jealous pang.

Kanon and Chisato had known each other for years, and shared a closeness that was hard to match. Once, Hagumi carelessly suggested they’d make a good couple and Chisato had to rapidly defuse the suggestion while Kanon looked so flustered she might have died. 

_I’ve got no chance next to Chisato…_

There was a pause in their conversation and Kanon looked over. Our eyes met for just a fraction of a second as I tried to look anywhere else. She definitely saw me though.

 

 

“Whatcha thinkin’ about?” asked a cheery voice from right next to Misaki’s ear. 

“Gahhh!” She rapidly transitioned from absentmindedly staring out the train window to falling over in her seat. She quickly composed herself and looked up to see Hagumi standing in front of her, flashing a big smile. Despite the initial shock Misaki couldn’t keep from smiling herself. They hadn’t seen each other since shortly after Kokoro went overseas a few months earlier. “Jeez Hagumi, you didn’t have to get so close. Everyone probably thinks we’re being strange.” None of the other passengers were paying any attention.

“Ahaha! Sorry about that!” she chirped while sitting next to Misaki. “You just looked so serious!”

“I was just spacing out.” Misaki looked to the side a little sheepishly. “Anyway, it’s nice to see you. Your hair’s getting kinda long huh.”

Though Hagumi kept her hair fairly short in high school, it was now creeping just past her shoulders, falling from the upward tilt of her baseball cap.

“Yeah! My mom says it suits me,” she said, beaming. “I dunno if I think so but I like it so far!” There was a tiny bit of a mess to her hair, like she didn’t know what to do with it or didn’t care.

_It definitely suits her._

“I take it things are still going alright with your mom then?” 

“Mmm.” Hagumi’s smile didn’t get any smaller, but its brightness faded slightly. “She still has her moments sometimes but we’ve been doing okay!”

“That’s good to hear.” Misaki figured Hagumi didn’t really want to talk about it at the moment and decided to change the subject. “Softball going well? I heard you won your last game of the season.”

“Yeah!” Hagumi replied, lighting up even brighter than before. “Our team was pretty rough for most of the season but we really started picking up toward the end! I’m feeling great about next season!”

She went on to talk at length about her most recent games, teammates she’d been bonding with, and generally things that Misaki had heard multiple times before. Her voice started to blend with the rhythmic clunking of the train and screeching of wheels on metal. Misaki glanced outside the train window every so often, taking in the grey overcast sky and the busy, endless scenery of the cityscape. She struggled to keep up with Hagumi’s pace but couldn’t help but admire her enthusiasm. Her smile, the twinkle in her eye, the timbre of her voice. Misaki felt strangely peaceful. A brief moment of normalcy in the eye of the storm.

_Do I typically feel stormy? It’s not like a lot’s going on in my life but…_

Misaki started to feel a pang of sadness from not feeling like this more often but it was quickly cut off by Hagumi’s voice coming back into focus.

“Ahhh, I can’t wait! I know everyone can’t make it but it’ll be so nice to catch up with friends. I’m so happy Kaoru and Kano-chan will be there!”

It suddenly felt like a ball of lead was dropped onto Misaki’s chest.

“K-Kanon was able to make it?” The last Misaki had heard, Kanon was too busy for a meetup. She didn’t plan on going if Kanon was too.

“Ah.” Hagumi froze, putting together the situation. “She said in the group chat the other day that she was able to clear her schedule.”

_Oh my god the group chat!! Crap, I haven’t kept up at all!_

“I must have missed it. The past couple of days have been a little hectic,” Misaki said shakily, looking back out the window.

A lie.

_A small one!!!!_

A look of concern spread across Hagumi’s face. “Mii-kun...are things still, um, weird between you two?”

“Mmmm.” Misaki’s gaze remained fixed out the window, not focused on anything in particular.

“Maybe this would be a good time to talk to her? I could like ‘accidentally’ bump into you while she’s walking by and-”

“Mm.”

Hagumi grew quiet.

Misaki stared off into the distance.

 

* * *

  _heyyyy  misaki_

_[sticker]_

_Oh hey. What’s up Moca?_

_oh wow ur still up too huh_

_got a cool game trapping u?_

_Yeah kinda. My sleep schedule’s been all weird lately though._

_dang I know how it is_

_[sticker]_

_Haven’t heard from you in awhile. What’s got you texting at 2 in the morning?_

_oh yeah lol I wanted to ask if u were going to the thing_

_What’s the thing?_

_the thing!!_

_at circle_

_the meetup thing_

_it was in the group chat_

_that im pretty sure ur in_

_ya I just checked_

_misaki the thing!!!!_

_Sorry I was just looking at it._

_It got kinda stressful to keep up with so many people so I’ve had it muted._

_wat the heck ur missing all my good stickers_

_[sticker]_

_[sticker]_

_[sticker]_

_[sticker]_

_A meetup at Circle huh? Expected Poppin’ Party would be at the center of that._

_i kno right? pasupare makes sense too tho_

_figured theyd be too busy_

_all famous and stuff_

_Yeah haha. Seems like they never slow down._

_i woulda done it but im too busy_

_mocas famous too  
_

_[sticker]_

_Yeah I saw that video._

_that wwanst me!!!!!!!!_

_mmhmm_

_wasnt!!!!!!!!!_

_mocas immaculate_

_[sticker]_

_u goin?_

_u goin to the thing??????_

_misaki?????????_

_I’m not really sure._

_its okay if u got a hot date with ur cool american gf_

_its cool_

_i wont judge. im too nice_

_Nah, Kokoro won’t be back until later next year._

_spring break with fam?_

_They’re going on a trip actually._

_well well well ms video games at a hundred o clock_

_seems like ur probly free_

_and bein a dork about a girl_

_[sticker]_

_kanon i mean_

_that girl_

_Come on Moca._

_cmonnnnnn misaki itll be rad_

_also i need to talk to u about computer stuff_

_music on your things_

_I can just shoot you some links that helped me a lot._

_nooooooo it’s not the same_

_i need to expand my horizons_

_ur so good at this stuff_

_i need more power_

_plsssssssssss_

_I dunno._

_[sticker]_

_p!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

_I’ll think about it. No promises._

_Yayyyyyyyyyyy_

_[sticker]_

_okay im going tf to sleep_

_[sticker]_

_sorry for swearing_

_Good night Moca._

_[sticker]_

 

* * *

  Misaki stood in a corner near the front doors of CiRCLE, the live house that once felt like a second home to her. The front area was fairly quiet, being closed for the day. But the lights were on and the busy melody of chatter could be heard from the studio area, where the meetup was actually meant to happen. In reality, it was an entire ten second walk from where Misaki was anxiously parked, but to her it might as well have been another country.

 _I shouldn’t be here._ _I shouldn’t be here I shouldn’t be here_

There was a feeling in her chest that was swelling rapidly. That horrible feeling she can never seem to get rid of. She felt heavy, unfocused. She tried to occupy herself by looking around the room. Flyers, t-shirts, various memorabilia. Bands she recognized. Bands she didn’t recognize. Not her band. Of course. It had been three years since Hello Happy World unceremoniously dissolved. Misaki involuntarily chuckled thinking of her old band’s name considering how she felt. Misaki felt horrible for the laugh. 

“Misaki?” a voice called from the direction of the studio. Her heart jumped out a window. She had to force herself to look toward the voice and saw a face that felt like an oasis somehow.

“Oh, Marina,” she said to the live house’s manager. “H-hey.”

_Oh thank god it’s just Marina_

Misaki wasn’t sure if there was a single person who didn’t feel comforted by Marina’s presence. She always helped provide an easygoing stability to the very different bands and attitudes that struggled to mesh back in the day.

“It’s good to see you!” she said, beaming at Misaki. “We weren’t sure you’d make it.”

Those last words pierced her chest.

_Of course they’d think that… Not like I’ve given them reason to think otherwise…_

“I’m… not really sure I did make it to be honest,” she replied weakly.

“Misaki... “ Marina frowned sadly. “I think it’d mean a lot to everyone if you came, y’know?”

_I don’t think that’s true._

“I don’t think I can. I only came because Moca asked me to anyway…“

Marina’s frown gave way to confusion. “M-Moca?” She tilted her head and furrowed her brow a little.

“Um. Y-yeah?” Now Misaki was getting confused.

“Oh, oh no, honey.” 

And now she was getting a dense sinking feeling underneath everything else.

“Afterglow couldn’t make it today. They’re performing in Nagoya today.”

_??????????????????????_

“Wh-” Misaki stumbled with her words and thoughts.

_Nagoya??? But she made such a big deal of meeting me here!_

Her shoulders slumped. Her eyes unfocused. “I… think I’m gonna go.”

“I really think you should come in, Misaki,” Marina replied, moving closer.

“I’m sorry.” Her voice cracked a little.

 

I feel arms gently wrap around me. Marina pulls me into a firm, but soft embrace. All of a sudden I feel safer than I’ve felt in years. What the hell… The room feels so still and calm. I let myself sink in a little. Her soft cardigan, her warm body. It’s like I’m being held by my own mother. I could stay like this forever… What am I even thinking? I feel like crying. I feel it bubbling up. I can’t. I shouldn’t. I swallow it. It hurts so bad. It hurts so fucking bad. I motion to break the hug.

 

Marina let go of Misaki, a sad smile on her face.

“It’s okay if you have to go.”

Misaki nodded slightly.

“I’ll let them know you weren’t feeling well, okay?”

“Thank you…“

Misaki exited the live house.

 

* * *

  _did you go home?_

_Nah, not yet. I’m hanging out in that cafe a little bit away._

_I said I’d go with you to your place after all._

_:(_

_worries_

_I’ll be okay probably._

_okay..._

_[sticker]_

_moca’s looking for you btw_

_????????????????_

_Marina said they were playing in Nagoya tonight._

_ya idk really i didn’t get what she was talking about_

_but shes here_

_What the heck. Tell her to head up here I guess?_

_[sticker]_

_are u sure ur okay?_

_[sticker]_

_Yeah. We can talk about it in a bit I guess._

_[sticker]_

_I’m sorry Hagumi._

_its okay mii-kun_

 

* * *

Moca was peering at Misaki through the cafe window. She wore a loose plaid button-up (unbuttoned, of course) and a cigarette hung loosely from her mouth. Moca apparently picked up smoking recently “to up her cool factor,” or so Misaki heard. Misaki would’ve actually thought she looked kind of cool if not for the impish smile that spread across Moca’s face upon finding her. Moca waved, less a greeting and more an unnecessary attention grab. 

Misaki cleaned up her table and brought her emptied cup of coffee to the counter, thanking the staff on her way out of the sleepy, cozy cafe. She found Moca putting her cigarette out on the quiet sidewalk outside. She picked the spent cigarette back up, kicking at the ash to clear the mark it left, then reached into her pocket for a pack of cigarettes, where she replaced the one she just finished. Probably to throw it away later.

_I hope._

“Yo!” Moca greeted Misaki with a short wave and a smile.

Misaki frowned a little at her, stuffing her hands into her shorts pockets. “Aren’t you supposed to be in Nagoya? What happened to the show?” 

“Mighty bold of you to be asking that, Misaki.” She put her hands on her hips and that impish smile returned. “Don’t you have somewhere to be yourself?”

Misaki flinched a little at her taunt. “I don’t really know why I came at all, to be honest. I should’ve known I’d back out.”

“What do you mean? You came to see your dear friend Moca right?” she teased, leaning in a bit.

_I can’t tell if she’s actually obtuse or just messing with me.”_

“What did you wanna see me for anyway? And again, why are you here?” Misaki sounded more frustrated than she intended.

“We’re not on for another 3 hours. Plenty of time to drop by Yamabuki Bakery and get on the Shinkansen.”

_Ah. Bread._

“What about sound check?”

“Ehhhhh, it’ll be alright,” she said while shrugging.

Misaki sighed deeply. “Well then, what did you wanna talk about? Music programs right?”

“Oh, right.” Moca returned to the topic at hand. “Afterglow’s gonna be slowing down soon so Tsugu can focus on her next school year, so I was thinking I’d get with you and work on learning some new stuff.”

“Uh, I guess we can do that.”

“Great!” Moca beamed. “How about I swing by your place? I’ll bring my guitar and an amp and we can mess around.”

“Wait, I thought you wanted to talk about getting programs.”

“Actual firsthand experience would be better, don’t you think~?”

“So what you’re saying is you wanted to meet up so you could ask to come over to my apartment?” Misaki’s brain was already overloaded and she started feeling dizzy with this situation.

“Mmhmm. And also Yamabuki’s having a special today so I gotta get in on that. Also this meetup too I guess.”

_She’s Moca alright._

“What was that even about anyway?”

“Hm?” Moca seemed confused by the question. 

“The...the meetup.”

“Oh! Right. Pastel Palettes is breaking up.”

 

 “Well, they said it was more of a long break,” Hagumi said, shifting in her seat on the train. “They plan to keep going but they’re stopping for now cuz Chisato was burning out.”

“Burning out?” Misaki looked away from the train window for a moment.

“Yeah, apparently all the touring and recording alongside acting was really wearing her out and she wasn’t doing well at all.”

“Huh. I had no idea.” 

_Well, not that I’d been paying much attention._

“Something like this almost happened a few years ago, but it was cuz they were too busy. This time they all wanted to keep going but wanted to do what was best for Chisato. They were all so sweet! You should’ve come in…”

_What’s best for Chisato, huh…_

“Sounds nice…”

“What’s wrong Misaki?”

“In a bit.” She felt too self conscious talking about anything remotely personal while still around so many people.

 

Misaki walked along the sidewalk slightly ahead of Hagumi. The sun began to set, bathing the street in a warm orange glow. It had been a few minutes since they exited the station, and neither had said much of anything. Misaki felt a weight inside her along with a hollowness somehow.

Hagumi broke the silence. “Didya wanna talk now…?”

Misaki shrugged her shoulders almost imperceptibly and kept walking.

 

Misaki sat on the little steps to a playground slide. Hagumi sat in a nearby swing, idly pushing herself slightly back and forth with her feet. Hagumi had suggested they find somewhere to sit for awhile. She got a call from her mother telling her to not come home right away, which to Hagumi meant her father was home. The quiet neighborhood’s playground was bathed in a soft orange glow.

“I’m sorry,” Misaki finally said with a deep sigh. Hagumi stopped. 

“Sorry for what Mii-kun?” She tilted her head slightly. Misaki couldn’t believe she wasn’t upset at her behavior, or at least somewhat frustrated.

“I feel like a jerk. I dunno.” Misaki cradled her head in her arms, resting them on top of her knees. “I’ve been so... absent lately. I bailed on the important meetup. I’m being cold to you.”

“Hmm, I don’t know about all that. I’ve been worried more than anything.” Hagumi looked to Misaki, but her gaze wasn’t met. “Everyone’s been worried.”

Misaki groaned while burying her face. 

_That’s the last thing I want to hear._

“What’s the matter?” 

“I wish you could understand.” Her voice cracked a little. She swallowed the feeling.

“I can’t if you don’t say anything y’know?” Hagumi replied. “You can talk to me! We’re still besties right?”

Misaki gave a vague grunt.

…

……

…………

“Of course we are…” she finally replied.

“I know!” Hagumi said, giggling slightly. She hopped out of the swing and sauntered over to seat herself next to Misaki.

Misaki looked up from her arms slightly. “I don’t know what it is. I just felt...paralyzed. I felt like it was impossible to go in and face everyone.”

“How come Mii-kun?” Hagumi leaned into Misaki slightly, a soft, comforting gesture.

“I just feel so pathetic.” Misaki chuckled wryly. “I pretty much shut down after Hello Happy World broke up. I thought I was doing so well and everything just came apart for me. Everyone’s kept moving on past that too.” She buried her face once again. “Not me, though. I’ve just been tired and sad and not doing anything. I didn’t want to face everyone’s disappointment. I can’t imagine Kanon would be happy to see me either.” Her voice cracked again. She struggled to swallow the feeling.

“Misaki…” Hagumi said sadly, softly. Then, suddenly, she pushed herself firmly into Misaki’s side. “You’re such a doofus!”

“Hagu-!!” Misaki was pushed up against the bars that ran along the side of the steps. Hagumi wrapped her arms tight around Misaki and pulled her into a near suffocating hug. “Hagumi what the hell!” Misaki groaned.

“Kano-chan brought you up y’know!”

“Wh-”

“She’s worried more than anyone!!!”

 

“Ehehe, sorry for crushing you Mii-kun,” Hagumi said bashfully.

“It’s okay. I probably deserved it.”

“I’ll do it again if I have to!!”

They approached Hagumi’s home. The sun had fully set and the warm glow of the street lamps created a calm, sleepy atmosphere around the familiar neighborhood.

“They’re both gone for now apparently,” she said with a twinge of sadness. Misaki knew Hagumi didn’t get much time for herself unless her mother was out and her father wasn’t “visiting.”

“How long until your dad’s gone for real?” Despite not staying in the loop very well, Misaki did talk to Hagumi every so often. She knew Hagumi’s parents were in the middle of a lengthy divorce. She knew it wasn’t pleasant.

“It’s hard to say,” Hagumi replied, coming to a stop at the front door of the butcher shop she lived in. “He doesn’t wanna give up the shop without a fuss, but everyone knows how he is to mom and me.” Her shoulders slumped visibly. 

_I can’t believe she’s going through all this and staying as strong as she is…_

“Hey uh,” Misaki started, shakily, “would it be alright if I stayed over tonight?” She looked away, somewhat embarrassed at her own question.

“Huh? You wanna Mii-kun?”

“W-well...I just figured you could use a friend tonight. It’s not like I have anything going on right now.”

Hagumi’s face lit up brighter than any nearby streetlight. 

 

Misaki was laying on the futon, with Hagumi nestled snugly in her arms. Hagumi had almost naturally moved in to get cuddled as soon as they lay down. Misaki didn’t complain; Hagumi had the presence of a soft dog looking to provide comfort. Misaki listened to her soft breathing for awhile, grateful for her gentle warmth. She struggled to sleep, but it was the calmest she had felt in…

_Not sure actually._

“Mii-kun…” Hagumi said sleepily.

“Hmm? You’re still awake Hagumi?” Misaki replied quietly.

“Mmhmmmm…I keep thinking I’m being snuggled by Michelle…” A goofy smile appeared on her face.

Misaki let out a genuine chuckle. Hagumi knew at this point that Michelle was just Misaki in a bear costume, but she never let up on treating her as her real magical bear friend. Michelle was kind and warm and uncomplicated; unlike her parents. She couldn’t help but pet Hagumi on the top of her head and Hagumi lazily nuzzled into her hand. Misaki smiled.

“Do you think Michelle will ever come back Mii-kun?” she asked suddenly. Misaki couldn’t help but feel a twinge of sadness at her question.

“I’m not sure…she might be gone for a long time still…”

“I bet she’ll have a lot of stories of her adventures if she comes back.”

“Yeah.”

“Do you think she’d tell me all about them?”

Misaki hesitated. Then, she hugged Hagumi tight and replied,

 

“Of course she would.”

 


End file.
